As a flower blossoms...

2008-12-29T19:04:00.000-08:00

"I know where you're going and that's the hardest part, no matter where tonight ends, you won't escape your broken heart... Do I see God in all of this? Maybe all along... It's just that we're so small and simply not as strong. He's strong like wings of silver and feathers made of gold, to carry heavy hearts, to cover all our helpless souls... - Gold and Silver, Stavesacre

I dream of the day where I can find rest outside of solitude, safety outside of solitude, in the presence of Jesus, where I can say, "Safe has never felt more real."

...of a day where I no longer do what I can to survive.

Until then, I'll remain
On this rough terrain,
Treading...

I dream of the day
When I can fly with wings,
Unfettered...
Beautiful.

Take my heart and form it...
Take my mind, transform it...
Take my will, conform it... to Yours, to Yours, Oh Lord...

Take my wings, and spread them.

Hoe. Slut. Skeeze...

2008-12-20T20:16:00.001-08:00

Ever been called a Jezebel? Straight seducin' elusive concept of purity of mind, heart and body so fine guys want to wine you and dine you and grind and you fine too subliminal thinking and reaching for. Pause. Nothing. When you lay it all on the same platter, it's nothing and you're scattered. Piece by piece when to him, him and her, every petal of your rose, you're nothing but a stem. Where will you find flattery when you're tattered, battered and broken, no shelter, no home and nothing to call love and... wait, what it love?

-Fer

Read on...

Jezebel wasn't born with a silver spoon in her mouth, she probably had less than any one of us. When she knew how to walk, she knew how to bring the house down, can't blame her for her beauty, she wins with her hands down.

I met her at the airport, she said, hey, what's up, ain't you the cat they call Breeveazy? Yup. Seen you at this church on 75th and even though you gospel I like how you spit, plus you're cute but what can I do cause I like doing the things grown folks do and you be on the abstinence and that's cool but would you be on it if it were just us two? My mouth dropped open, that nervous laugh, nah I'm real with it, I think I'll pass. I'm lookin' at her like man she cold, 5 9 thick 21 years old. Nahh, I said stop it, breathe, right then God sent a prophecy, He said, I'm tryin' call her to ministry, I need you to teach her how to listen to me. She ain't just another rat trying to get to the cheese, it's just she's blinded by intimate needs many men done watched her life unfold and you don't wanna be one of the ones that stole. So I'm like, whats your deal, I can't leave because you don't look well, you're in a lot of pain and i can tell, whats your name? She said, Jezebel.

I looked in her eyes and they filled with tears, over pouring from her heart, ill with fear she said, I want to know God, I feel him here but its like these churches just buildings here. You ain't the first preacher man that I approached but you was the first one that told me no but you don't know how that makes me feel though that even God know I'm nothing more than a hoe. I said no them cats is fools and God is not in sex casual, every day somebody tell you that you beautiful but don't nobody ever tell you that you're valuable. She said, that's some bull, ain't nobody ever gon' want me when they find out who Jez really is, I never wanted to get in this line of work, all I ever really wanted was to be in showbiz, I don' done too much, been too much, to put it in your words, I done sinned too much, don't even ask how many men, too much, adult films, I been in too much, matter of fact I'm on the way to Cali right now to shoot another video, I gotta fly now so if i could change I would of done it by now, the internet is calling me, bye now.

She tried to leave, quick I grabbed her arm, she lookin' at me like you are way out of line I'm just trying to get to my plane on time- I said, miss your flight and I'll miss mine. She looked at me crying, you don't know how much I got on the line, I looked at that girl and said, man, you don't know how much you got on the line, you don't know how much your mama been cryin', listen to how much your body been dying, of course you fine, but look at yourself through Jesus eyes and please tell me girl what else you fine. You don't know only you can change you and when you decide to do, you're brand new. Jesus will tell you what to change to, pray for that and he'll give you the strength too. She zoned out on me by the look in her eyes I could tell she was hearing God for the first time, neither one of us got to the plane on time, in the middle of the airport praying and crying and 4 years later, that same young lady is ministering to people around the world and God is looking down smiling and looking proud just like He should saying that's my girl.

Breeveazie lyrics to Jezebel.
Go hear the song. (you can hear it on myspace)

2008-08-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

Yellow.

2008-07-02T19:37:00.001-07:00

Imagine, dancing on a yellow cloud, over rainbow of yellow symphony. Vibrant, breathtaking. Rainbow for God's promise to me that the indigo rain has moved on, over now. Cool breeze blowing over and around me, lifts me higher into the sky. With my eyes wide I turn to face giant yellow-gold ball of light and gently close them. The yellow-gold shines through, sunlight in my eyes. When the wind returns me to earth, it lands me in a meadow full of yellow flowers. And a yellow-gold piano sits on a bed of petunias, beckoning, playing softly, magically, mesmerizing, calling. My contemporary dance on wild flowers. Grand finale of shooting stars.

Indigo.

2008-07-01T18:14:00.001-07:00

Dark, comatose smile wrapping around forever, inert even in the chaos that ensues life, Indigo. Lifeless, like the brown-blue bruises trailing down the center of my back, the contusions are elabote, lies wrapped cautiously around the truth. Not moving, like the scarlet lettering winding around my body, clothed in scarlet covering redder than vermillion. Red to maintain my sanity, red of blood atonement and sacrifice, passion and anger.

Azure-gray skies suck the life from the depth of me. Asphyxiated as in brown paper bag covering, bones knocking into one another, relentlessly. I can't hear my heart beat in the land where I'm living. My insides are tattered and my bones ache as they knock into one another. Shattered is my spirit, all of me heaped in one pile in the corner of a room... idle.

Stripped of feeling, complacency has left its mark. Indigo is the word I used to explain the state of being I am in. Wrapped in indigo head covering, scarlet red, redder than vermillion body covering and a brown paper bag, blending in with the world that shares my destiny. Under indigo-red skies, a silk moon materializes, moisturizing my skin, softening roughness, the result of cherished complacency. And if only for a little while, it is well with my soul.

Numb.

2008-06-19T20:19:00.001-07:00

In my state of complacency, music has always been able to speak to me where noone or nothing else is able. Seeps into my pores, enables me to think, feel, move. There is music playing and I can't even feel it. I am at my numbest.

"We're at war, we live like this... " -Paramore

Currently listening :
Riot!
By Paramore
Release date: By 2007-06-12

Tell me, are you free?

2008-06-04T22:13:00.001-07:00

I thought I was until I saw that I wasn't, saw that my mental was imprisoned, my conviction wasn't lined up with His mission, couldn't shake the chains from my life none, couldn't push it from my mind none, was like clingy, spandex sin, my dermis couldn't escape from. Came into this realm blindly never expecting to fly solo, captured by my mental, distress brought me down so low. Ignorant to possibilities of escape but I see my freedom in the air, forgetting that I've always had it there...

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom...

Tell me, are you free?
Are you free?
It could be time for us to break free...

...and what does it look like, feel like? It looks like not being able to sleep at night and instead of entertaining destructive thoughts, channeling those feelings through a creative form of expressing and placing them at His feet.

He makes all things new... not all at once, of course. I used to stare out of my window wishing I could fall from it. No longer do I stare, brokenhearted, that chapter is over. It's a testimony for me to say, that chapter has ended. I never thought I could be free, I could never imagine me... until recently.

"When the world has fallen out from under me, I'll be found in you, still standing.
Every fear and accusation under my feet when time and space are through, I'll be found in You. You make all things new..." -Shadow Feet, Brooke Fraser

And may I add, I'll be found in you, Jesus." Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Holla.

<3>

Make the canvas bleed!

2008-05-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

I had to learn to fall in love with
skin
body
weight
Had to learn the art of acceptance.

Could brown ever be in?
Could skinny ever stop being in?
Could I humanly be loved for me?

Had to learn to love
Erased traces of hate, self-hatred, desired to enable others to re-evaluate
society's standard of beauty and appreciate women of all colors and sizes. Beauty is not the stick figure embraced by MTV and magazines nor is it solely 5'7" blonde, blue eyes, ladies, it is a variety of color, a variety of souls. And yes ladies, healthy is beautiful.

Scars would not fade
Memories would not cease
but eventually, I learned to care for me.

Learned to make the canvas bleed!
Preserved skin
so now I paint
dance
create

wherever I find strength and courage
and can make the artistic medium bleed...
to keep my life alive, thriving even,
is where I need to be.
Where I can make the canvas bleed... instead of me.

-Jennifer Lawrence

Video Poetry: Make the Canvas Bleed

2008-05-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Take my hand to the promised land and on you I want to stand 'cause I cannot do it on my own. You're what I need and where I need to be, right by your side 'cause I cannot hide, Lord I know that I need you. Without you, I'm so alone, I am weak but you are strong, you pick me up when I'm falling down and I'm crying out to you inside of my heart, I need you Lord, oh so for the part, I want you to have my life, Jesus. - Take My Hand, Shawn McDonald

4:37 a.m.

2008-05-06T04:34:00.000-07:00

I am disturbed.
It all started with a skirt.

It's 4:37 in the early friggin' morn and I can't sleep. I have counted the invisible monkeys on my windowsill and the sheep in my head and still, I will not tire. Unlike the good ol' days when I spent my restless nights during my 7-month tenure with Insomnia wandering the streets as a vagrant, I don't feel compelled to find my way over to the 24 hour Starbucks for a frappucino and a heart to heart with invisible complete strangers who absolutely do not exist. Hmm. Instead, I am doing normal wee-hours-of-the-morning stuff such as the regular myspace updating/uploading shizz, sky gazing, tuning in to some good tunage, reading the Adbusters Media Democracy edition in which, by the way, I have learned that sadness and self-focus make you spend money on depression meds like Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil that work no better than placebo sugar pills would, heh heh (how's your mood disorder?), and lastly, sewing...

The sky is lightening with every word...

I got the skirt from Forever 21 on clearance and we all know clearance item return policies- you don't get to return them. The problem: the zipper. I bring the skirt home only to discover the broken zipper, so for all these hours, I have been trying to mend this retarded zipper to no avail. When all of a sudden (aha!) I figured, hey, why not just sew on a whole new zipper?! It makes sense... SO I go rummaging though my mother's sewing drawer and find some cool buttons and zippers and decide on a powder blue zipper though the skirt contains no blue. I think it'll work. :o)

Deprived of sleep but it doesn't matter, I am fo shizz that I will spend this day making music at P.P. or at The Eagle, taking up more potential snooze time. It's supposed to be 76 degrees today, get out, get fresh!

It is now 5:45 a.m. and I think I will have breakfast. Yay cinamon toast crunch. Sweet awakening! Mucho amorrrr.

Cool Collapses...

2008-04-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

From its roots in Africa through to the youth cultures of the present day, cool has always been an attitude of resistance to subjugation, an expression of rebellion and a posture of defiance...

Cool used to be about being.

It was the soulful jazz singer, the spastic beat poet and the wandering rebel. It was something raw and electric that they epitomized...
Cool used to emphasize substance over style.

It wasn't about listening to a type of music, watching certain films or having interesting things. It was about giving birth to an idea that would radically change our social, political and cultural constructs.

When corporations commodified cool, they stole its essence and turned it into something shallow and superficial- people no longer needed to be cool, they could simply buy it.

- Adbusters (Super cool magazine, journal of the mental environment)

www. adbusters. org

2008-04-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hosanna, forever we worship you...

The angels bow down at the thought of you, the darkness gives way to the light of you. The price that you paid gives us life brand new, Hosanna, forever we worship you.

Imagine Me

2008-03-31T19:46:00.001-07:00

I made this video a long time ago. Sometimes I like to watch to remember my anthem... Imagine me. Overcoming.

Imagine me (two)

Gymnopedie...

2008-03-24T18:49:00.001-07:00

My day off :o)

2008-03-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

Aileen woke me up in the morning with a phone call. I was not happy. So I made a gun with my fingers, took a picture of me in my cool new hat and emailed it to her. She laughed.

I went to the McDonald's PlayPlace with my Sister-in-law and nephews and we had fun. :o) I crawled through all the tunnels with Shawn and played in the big bubble with Nathan. I felt slightly primitive... like I belonged at the zoo.

Before Nikki and I went thrifting we went to Wendy’s and I had chili. I discovered Wendy’s breaks up hamburger meat, adds it to red sauce and beans and calls it chili. I was thouroughly disgusted by this idea... because there were chunks of gray hamburger meat in my chili. Uncool. I have no picture for this one.

Then, we went thrifting and I bought a really cool picture and a really cool colored curtain/material/floor decoration/whatever I want it to be. :o) The colors are orange, brown, mustard yellow, and a deep red. I love it.

Nikki had fun playing with a broken toy. They bonded.

It was a very good day. :o)

I love Autumn...

2008-03-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

I know that's kind of weird considering we're close to Spring... but...

2008-03-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

It isn't just the way things are, everything speaks of a deeper story. A memory, a thought, a belief, a fear, a vision, a testimony- It's someone's life.

Broken bottles, shards of glass, cigarette butts, pieces of trash, used condoms and used syringes are objects that clothe the grounds of the city's ghettos.

Alcoholism is how the parents cope. Cigarettes and weed are what the children smoke. The liquor stores stationed on nearly every corner have products for the entire family.

In the schools, the children are learning how to read, write and solve numerical equations... and a little girl thinks "The Projects" is the name of a town she lives in...

In the streets, the children are taught to steal, kill and destroy. Gangbanging seems to be a way of life. Getting promoted to a higher rank is a dream come true.

You subject the children to
Drugs
Sex
Violence... in their playing grounds...

You fill their little heads with filth and garbage.
You corrupt their tiny souls with secrets they can't keep.

Needle Exchange Program

The children need to be held, nurtured, cared for, taught to live and taught to thrive. Why do you seek to over sexualize them and introduce them to the temporary high and quick fix antidotes that never really make them believe in anything but instead leaves them with nothing to hold on to? Who will care for the children?

.....:::::.::::::..:::::..:::::..:::::..:::::..:::::..:::::..:::::..:::::..:::::.....
In seasons of distress and grief, my soul has often found relief and oft' escaped the tempter's snare, by thy return, sweet hour of prayer.

Restless offender
My tormentor laughed at my predicament
Made a mockery of my cries for help
Relishing bad behavior proved to be dangerous
I screamed out into a world of silence
And the same dumb voice responded
Hellooooooo Hellooooooo
Is there help? Is there help?
My words echoed off of the walls
That closed me in
Hollow

We want just the tiniest taste of freedom.

We dance in shattered freedom.

.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....

Life is too short to waste precious hours sleeping...
I break out of my mental confinement for just a moment...
Those who would not come out during the day were out then.
Vagrants were rummaging through garbage cans for a midnight snack.
I feared becoming a victim of a midnight attack.
I remember that I must steal away
steal away
steal away to Jesus.

Vertigo

I feel like

I'm falling from the atmosphere

Masqueraded as tiny droplets of rain;

Psychological precipitation

I am a poor wayfaring stranger,
While traveling through this world below.
There is no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go.
I'm going there to meet my Father,
He said he'd meet me when I go.
I'm only going over Jordan,
I'm only going over home. -Poor Wayfaring Stranger

Letting go of my past and glad to have another chance and my heart will dance 'cause I don't have to read that page again..."

I would rather be remembered for the way I think, dream and imagine, for the way I create. My heart, my mind, they must count for something!

-Jennifer Lawrence, the artist formerly known as J.Fro. ;0)

*All of the photos in this blog were taken by Jennifer Lawrence and Marissa Albarran. The poems are things of my heart and mind, old and new. These are just my thoughts. It's what I see, think and believe. It's just my point of view. You may look at my pictures and see something totally different...and that's okay. Feel free to express. :0)

Real life... "The Ghetto"

Peace beyond understanding.

2008-03-17T18:07:00.002-07:00

I look up to remember the stars, they remind me to hope. Brightness and the heart of a Creator shown through His artwork in the sky. A reminder to me that He is quite capable of caring for me, much bigger than any thing that could bring me sadness. I hope for a brighter future, the past for me has been nothing short of distressful. Circumstances probably won't get any better and I was never promised happiness. It's my prayer, that I find my joy in God alone so that no matter what mighty winds push and torment me, I can be okay amidst beastly storms. I pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding. It's so available to us if we only ask.

I take it a day at a time... just one day at a time and today, I'm okay.

Fer

*Renee's Update:

Be not weak but strong.

2008-03-17T18:07:00.001-07:00

I close my eyes tight as I feel
tears welling up behind swollen eyelids.
Puddled with frustration
Eyes search for truth amidst falsity
intrepidly approaching
the throne of Jesus
I write a song for comfort
be not weak but strong.
Be not weak but strong.
I express this on
piano keys
guitar strings
dance floor
wherever
I find strength and courage.

.::.::.

My truth comes out in the form of jumbled words, I am stumbling over my own vocabulary, unsure of what to say... uncertain of how you’ll respond. This truth hides under my skin, afraid of seeping through pores of lies and fabrication for fear of being misunderstood anyway. It feels like I’m being punched under water, pulled under and drowned lower, lower, down. Shifting gears and shifting beliefs, not entirely believing and fighting to believe... but you don’t see my struggle... it looks like I’m just playing with life. You don’t even hear me screaming... and I am. Screaming for life, screaming for understanding, screaming to be heard.

I would like to shut down the world for just a few moments. Silence, for just a little
while... I’d like to disable human interaction for just a little while. Shut down the world for just a few moments. Eliminate the ability to be misunderstood, increase my chances of being heard clearly by God.

4 Years.

2008-03-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

...and counting.

Tell me, are you free?
Are you free?
Am I?

Inspired to create a portrait of my freedom
Through whatever artistic medium
Seeing my life through someone else’s eyes
Gifted to make
Able to create
Removed far enough to realize
My freedom in the air

Seldom do I overcome even one vice completely, nor am I inflamed with a fervent desire for daily progress. Therefore, I remain lukewarm and uninspired.

But oh, how I try to do things differently.

-J.L.