Make the canvas bleed!

I had to learn to fall in love with
skin
body
weight
Had to learn the art of acceptance.

Could brown ever be in?
Could skinny ever stop being in?
Could I humanly be loved for me?

Had to learn to love
Erased traces of hate, self-hatred, desired to enable others to re-evaluate
society's standard of beauty and appreciate women of all colors and sizes. Beauty is not the stick figure embraced by MTV and magazines nor is it solely 5'7" blonde, blue eyes, ladies, it is a variety of color, a variety of souls. And yes ladies, healthy is beautiful.

Scars would not fade
Memories would not cease
but eventually, I learned to care for me.

Learned to make the canvas bleed!
Preserved skin
so now I paint
dance
create

wherever I find strength and courage
and can make the artistic medium bleed...
to keep my life alive, thriving even,
is where I need to be.
Where I can make the canvas bleed... instead of me.

-Jennifer Lawrence

Video Poetry: Make the Canvas Bleed

Take my hand to the promised land and on you I want to stand 'cause I cannot do it on my own. You're what I need and where I need to be, right by your side 'cause I cannot hide, Lord I know that I need you. Without you, I'm so alone, I am weak but you are strong, you pick me up when I'm falling down and I'm crying out to you inside of my heart, I need you Lord, oh so for the part, I want you to have my life, Jesus. - Take My Hand, Shawn McDonald

4:37 a.m.

I am disturbed.
It all started with a skirt.

It's 4:37 in the early friggin' morn and I can't sleep. I have counted the invisible monkeys on my windowsill and the sheep in my head and still, I will not tire. Unlike the good ol' days when I spent my restless nights during my 7-month tenure with Insomnia wandering the streets as a vagrant, I don't feel compelled to find my way over to the 24 hour Starbucks for a frappucino and a heart to heart with invisible complete strangers who absolutely do not exist. Hmm. Instead, I am doing normal wee-hours-of-the-morning stuff such as the regular myspace updating/uploading shizz, sky gazing, tuning in to some good tunage, reading the Adbusters Media Democracy edition in which, by the way, I have learned that sadness and self-focus make you spend money on depression meds like Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil that work no better than placebo sugar pills would, heh heh (how's your mood disorder?), and lastly, sewing...

The sky is lightening with every word...

I got the skirt from Forever 21 on clearance and we all know clearance item return policies- you don't get to return them. The problem: the zipper. I bring the skirt home only to discover the broken zipper, so for all these hours, I have been trying to mend this retarded zipper to no avail. When all of a sudden (aha!) I figured, hey, why not just sew on a whole new zipper?! It makes sense... SO I go rummaging though my mother's sewing drawer and find some cool buttons and zippers and decide on a powder blue zipper though the skirt contains no blue. I think it'll work. :o)

Deprived of sleep but it doesn't matter, I am fo shizz that I will spend this day making music at P.P. or at The Eagle, taking up more potential snooze time. It's supposed to be 76 degrees today, get out, get fresh!

It is now 5:45 a.m. and I think I will have breakfast. Yay cinamon toast crunch. Sweet awakening! Mucho amorrrr.